| Its been 1 month, exactly, since he broke up with me and I'm 1/2 ok and 1/2 not.
See, today was his [30th] birthday and after my classes I went to his office to give him a gift [I spent $30 total, thats not bad, right?], it was a learn Italian CD since he wanted to learn. So he and I have spent the night a few times for the past couple weeks and I asked if he wanted to today, as it is his birthday and he told me he would think it over based on how much work he needed to get done. I called him just now and he explains that he doesnt want me to come over both due to work and another reason.
See, this other reason is this girl, who I know nothing about except that she is Turkish, that he started to like, I dont know if he started this month or soon after he broke up with me. The thing here, is that this was a man who told me that he waited 9 years or something crazy between his last girlfriend and me, though yes having sex inbetween, so I thought it would take him at least a few months before he found someone else. Just because he is "thinking" about her of course doesnt mean that they are anywhere close to dating, these are two Turkish people here, it can take a year with them. Because of that I thought that he and I could spend that sort of time together for awhile until they started dating, in hopes of weaning me off him, which I think wasnt so bad as I think I've made progress in 1 month.
And you know what, in all seriousness, even if he and I didnt spend the night together, I still want to be friends. Friends in the sense of, go eat lunch together and talk or go do things together [not even alone, other people welcome] like get coffee or check out a campus event, like I would with absolutely everyone. But according to him during our conversation, he wants to distance himself, I just dont want to loose him as a person.
Maybe I also gave him too much of a physical thing and now he cant separate me from the physical side of life, is that a possiblity? Also, this breakup, to say I didnt see it coming is like saying Hitler wasnt nice, thats the level of understatement. I was so far away, the complete opposite actually, from what/how he felt that sometimes its even still shocking.
I have been in so few real, I can call you my boyfriend, relationships [3] that even the experience of a breakup is so unnatural, so raw, so unexplainable that I think thats accounting for quite the fraction of how I feel.
Also to sound like a complete whore and bitch, I am also afraid of loosing my only means of sex to some Turkish bitch whose name I dont even know.
And to make me feel like an even worst person in humanity, I feel like a piece of shit caring so much and thinking about him so much when there are so many more pressing things I should be dealing with, Grandmother especially. I cried while typing this last point. Not to be too cheesy, but heres some Shakira for the moment: Who would have thought, That you could hurt me The way you've done it? So deliberate, so determined
And since you have been gone, I bite my nails for days and hours And question my own questions on and on
So tell me now, tell me now, Why you're so far away When I'm still so close
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die And as far as I know you're still alive,
I tried so hard to be attentive, To all you wanted, Always supportive, always patient
What did I do wrong? I'm wondering for days and hours, It's clear, it isn't here where you belong
Anyhow, anyhow, I wish you both all the best, I hope you get along |
